silverfoxflower

Title: Five Crew Members That Have Caught Jayne and Simon in the Act, and One Who is Still Blissfully Unaware
Fandom: Firefly
Genre: Slash, Humor
Word Count: ~3700
Pairing: Jayne/Simon, brief Wash/Zoe
Rating: R
Warnings: Pre-movie
Notes: Fills the 'Exhibitionism' square of my kink_bingo . Beta'd by lemposoi and kisahawklin , and all mistakes are mine.
Summary: When Jayne and Simon get together, most of Serenity gets an eyeful soon enough.
Disclaimer: Don't own. Don't sue.

1. Kaylee

She’d long suspected Simon was sly, but she hadn’t wanted to pass up a chance on the most eligible man on board if it weren’t so. She even got him naked, once, and oh if he weren’t all lovely firm muscles and that shy smile. She just wanted to eat him up with a spoon.

But the rest of it hadn’t gone well at all. For one, it had taken a fair amount of work to get Lil’ Simon up to speed. Now, Kaylee wasn’t one to hold a grudge on that, but it did kill the mood somewhat. Though Simon was real sweet with his apologies. And he did hold her after they were all through, like she was a small glass bird he was afraid of breaking. She wondered sadly what Central Planet girl had made him so out of sorts in his own skin.

So that first time wasn’t a deal breaker, but ain’t nobody can call Kaylee slow. After about two more tries she knew that it wouldn’t get no better.

Simon was a real nice guy, so she forgave him for looking relieved after she told him she’d be lickin’ her own chops from now on.

They were still friends, well, least she’d liked to think so. About a week after their separating, she crawled up from the engine room to get a bite. It was the middle of the night, if there was a sort of night in space, and everyone was supposed to be in their bunks. Which is why it surprised her to see Simon at the stove, making himself a cup of tea. He looked so prim, so clean and sweet, she thought it all a damned shame.

Kaylee was about to step out and call his name when she saw Jayne swagger in, all hot-headed arrogance that’s never done a man no good. Now, if he were thinking of botherin’ her Simon … Kaylee huffed herself up right fair and prepared to march over to the brute.

But here was a strange thing, Jayne didn’t seem to want to fight. It was Simon who drew back at his approach and said something Kaylee knew she weren’t supposed to hear.

“Stop it, Jayne. You know it didn’t mean anything.”

The words, in that cold doctor-speak, seemed to cut Jayne somewhere deep. It made him scowl, and move forward until Kaylee was afraid he’d hurt Simon.

“No, I don’t know, Doc,” Jayne hissed, leaning into Simon’s space.

For a second, Kaylee didn’t know whether they’d kiss or kill each other. But then Jayne lunged forward, or perhaps it was Simon and then they were attacking each other’s mouths like they were trying to breathe the same air. Jayne’s hands wrapped around in Simon’s waist, lifting him against the counter with a clatter of silverware.

“Stupid,” Kaylee heard Simon moan quietly, his fingers tangled in Jayne’s rough jacket. And she thought he was saying it to Jayne, but then he added a shuddery little, “Don’t know why I’m doing this.”

Jayne’s eyebrows scrunched up, real confused, and he pressed his forehead to Simon’s as the doc babbled on, too softly for Kaylee to hear. Eventually he became frustrated with all the talking and started kissing the doc again, so deeply Kaylee’s heart began beating hard.

She broke into a grin, a twisty, tingly feeling inside her stomach like she’d just swallowed butterflies. They were just so gorram cute. Reluctantly, she decided to leave, ‘case the boys became less cute and more sweaty.

She tried to turn as careful as possible but her foot bumped into the exterior radiator and it clanged loud enough for Jayne to look over and catch her eye. But instead of backin’ away like she expected, he just grabbed Simon’s behind and squeezed all possessive-like.

Kaylee beamed and gave him a little salute before disappearing down into the engines.

2. Inara

She had always been perceptive of things like this. Inara could feel the tension between Jayne and Simon from day one, although it hadn’t been the right kind for a while. Then something changed, between the first argument and the last.

Serenity was a craft of its crew, and the atmosphere of the ship told Inara everything she needed to know. As did Simon’s sudden need to make himself scarce on-board, coupled with Jayne’s new habit of stalking the ship, growling at everyone. Well, not a new habit per se, but an increasingly aggravating one.

“I thought after they started sexin’, they weren’t supposed to hate each other so much,” Kaylee sighed, playing with the tassel of one of Inara’s silk pillows.

Inara carefully sliced the orange, a gift from one of her customers, and considered her words before speaking. “Sometimes, the physical aspect of a relationship can impede communication between two people …”

Kaylee sat up, nodding. “Like when the main circuit breaker trips the relay system!”

“They think it’s all they need and end up ignoring each other’s emotions.”

“Ah,” Kaylee pursed her lips knowingly, “Without activating the auxiliary life support system.”

“Perhaps they believe they still hate each other.” Inara pushed over the plate of orange slices, watching the golden juice drip and pool over the white china plate.

“If they were engines, I’d know what to do,” Kaylee said glumly. She picked up a slice of orange and bit into it, sucking the juice as it ran down her fingers. “I’d connect the subcircuit to the backup and kickstart it with a jumper.”

“I think I need to invite Simon for tea,” Inara replied.

She knew Simon trusted her, was comforted by her sense of refinement. They retired to her shuttle one evening after dinner, and she poured tea for him, keeping her face passive and neutral.

“Chrysanthemum,” Simon smiled after the first sip. “My mother used to drink this.”

Inara smiled. She’d purposefully chosen something relaxing instead of a more expensive, sophisticated tea that might have made his posture straighter and his words more formal. “Please, tell me about her.”

Simon was eager to respond, scooting to the edge of the sofa and gesturing animatedly. He was lonely, she could tell by the way he opened to her unquestioning attention like a flower to the sun. They spoke of his home, his books, then his sister and small experiences on the ship.

Very casually, Inara mentioned an anecdote about Jayne, and Simon’s face froze. “What’s wrong?” She asked, concerned but not alarmed. People tended to mirror the expressions they were given, and Inara was careful not to put Simon on the defensive.

“Nothing, it’s just that we don’t … get along.” Simon looked down at his cup and tapped the edge with a fingernail. “He’s just …”

“Too uncivilized? Violent? Crude?”

Simon gave a short bark of laughter. “Yeah, all that. But he’s also playing around. I mean …” He looked up at Inara from beneath his eyelashes. “You know, don’t you?”

His perceptiveness made her smile. “Less than you are afraid of. But I am willing to listen if you wish to talk about it.”

Simon shifted in his seat, looking down at his tea as if all of his answers were in the dredges at the bottom of his cup. Inara gave him his moment, savoring her own slow sip of the brew and thinking of the strange art of fortune-telling, how simple and brave the world would be if only it were possible.

“Jayne and I,” Simon said slowly, “We have an agreement.”

“Sexually?” Inara asked.

Simon flinched, likely a by-product of his most proper upbringing. “Yes. And I know that it’s wrong-“ He rubbed a hand over the bottom of his face. “But every time I see him it’s like I can’t control myself.”

Inara decided to reply very carefully to this, because, judging by Simon’s reply, there might be more serious issues at play than she could deal with in one sitting. “Why do you think your … agreement with Jayne is wrong?”

“Because all he wants is sex.” Simon said, his knuckles growing white as he gripped his knees. “And I think I’ve fallen in love with him.” He ducked his head and laughed, a hollow sound. “My, that sounded even more pathetic than I thought it would.

Before Inara could reply, a harsh pounding came from the direction of her shuttle door. Inara stood, a protest dying on her lips as Jayne barged in without any words of permission, tangling his head in her wind chimes and clattering her hung scrolls in a most disruptive manner.

“Jayne!” Simon’s face went red with equal parts anger, embarrassment and shock. Inara felt like reassuring him that his confession couldn’t possibly have been overheard through the thickness of her shuttle doors.

“Sorry Inara, uh … Simon’s needed. For doctorin’ things.” Jayne’s eyes slid between them. He seemed more than a little bit drunk.

“Is anybody hurt?” Simon immediately stood, worried.

“I … “

“You’re a horrible liar, Jayne.” Inara stood smoothly. “Especially when intoxicated.”

“Hey!”

“Jayne, why are you here?” Simon folded his arms across his chest, a classic defensive posture, although the trembling fingers curled over his elbow gave him away.

“It’s just,” Jayne glanced at Inara and moved closer to Simon, dropping his voice, slurring slightly. “You’ve been here for two hours.”

“Not that it’s any of your business, but I was talking.” Simon’s lips thinned and he looked ready to bolt.

Jayne grunted, his shoulder hitting the doorway. Inara was about to speak up when he pinned her with his glare, which, beneath the glaze of alcohol, was so sad she couldn’t find it within herself to be frightened. “Yeah? ‘Bout somethin’ ya think my unedjucated little brain can’t understand?” He moved forward, getting into Simon’s space, and Inara could see the doctor fighting with himself not to back away. “That’s what it is, ain’t it? Jayne Cobb’s good enough ta fuck, but not ta say two proper words to outta the bunk?”

Simon looked as shocked as Inara felt. “That’s not-“ He began under his breath, before turning to glance at her. Inara busied herself with the teacups. “Jayne, I think we should take this outside.”

“Naw, Simon, I just got one thing to say to you, then I’m done.” Jayne looked between Simon and Inara. “An’ I don’t much care anymore who hears it.”

“Don’t do this, Jayne.” Simon’s jaw was tense, his voice raw.

Jayne swayed, taking a deep, ragged breath. “I like ya, Simon Tam, maybe more ‘n anything.” In the silence of the room, the clatter of Inara’s dropped teacup rang loudly. Jayne looked away and cursed. “Fergit it, it’s just the sake talkin’.”

Simon gaped, a slow flush creeping up his neck. “You ... are drunk. You don’t mean that.”

Jayne drew back, hurt and scowling. “What-“ And the rest of his words were swallowed by Simon’s mouth, as he grabbed Jayne’s collar and pulled him into a heavy, panting kiss. Inara bit down a smile and began edging around them, towards the door.

Simon caught her eye sheepishly over Jayne’s shoulder, but made no move to separate. “You don’t mean that,” he repeated to Jayne, his voice growing low with disbelief and tortured hope.

With a widening smile, Jayne replied in Chinese, some endearment he repeated over and over until Inara shut the door behind her and their voices faded into the hum of the ship.

3. Zoe

It was a bad job, worse than usual and that was saying something. The merchandise was damaged, the buyers double-crossed them, the payment was nonexistent, and the settlers called the Alliance.

Jayne had been shot.

It was a clean through and through, between the ribs. He should have been fine. But they had been stuck behind a sand dune for twenty minutes, desperately unloading bullets in a shootout with Alliance soldiers. Jayne had insisted he was fine enough to shoot, just needed to be propped up, and neither she nor Mal said a word otherwise. Just looked at each other briefly and pulled him up by the shoulders between them.

By the time their bullets started to run low, Wash managed to lower Serenity to scoop them all up. Zoe didn’t like the look of all that blood soaking in the sand beneath Jayne’s body as they lifted him away. There was blood in his shirt, too, everywhere but inside his chest.

“You’ll be fine, Jayne,” Mal snapped, as if he could command the forces of life and death. Then he disappeared onto the bridge. Jayne laughed weakly, before his eyes rolled back and he went limp. Zoe hauled him to the infirmary, supporting herself against the walls of the ship as it lurched and dipped.

Simon was all ready when she entered, his hands gloved and his face covered with a mask. She saw his eyes flicker to Jayne’s face and linger for a fearful moment.

“On the bed.” He walked forward to take Jayne’s legs as Zoe maneuvered his shoulders, and they laid him down as gently as they could while Serenity gained altitude, slowly and painfully.

“S’mon?” Jayne’s eyes opened, squinting at the infirmary lights.

“Yes,” Simon replied, but it seemed he said more than that, because Jayne smiled. The kind of smile Wash gave when Zoe had said something funny only to the two of them. Simon took a deep breath. “Sedative, please, Zoe.”

The next two hours were touch and go. Everyone popped by for minutes at a time, once Wash had worked his magic and the ship stabilized. Turned out, Zoe had a compatible blood type, so she stayed, sitting on a chair with a needle in her arm, watching over the one man she’d never thought she’d have to.

“Hey, how are you?” Wash walked in, laden tray in hand. Protein rations had never smelled so appetizing before.

“Fine,” Zoe said, wishing she could stand up and stretch her legs. She reached for the food and ate quickly, methodically.

“How’s Jayne?” Wash asked both her and Simon, but Simon seemed intent on holding Jayne’s hand, staring desperately into his face, so Zoe decided to answer.

“He’ll be fine. He’s fought through worse.” She looked at Simon when she said it, and he glanced over with a grateful smile.

“You can … you can go, Zoe.” He carefully pulled out her IV and bandaged her arm. “Thank you.”

“Are they … “ Wash whispered to her as they exited the infirmary. Their steps rang in the silent halls as they headed for their bedroom. Wash’s question made Zoe think of near death, bloodstains on sand, and Simon’s eyes as he saw Jayne’s limp body for the first time. So instead of replying, Zoe stripped off her shirt, pulled Wash closer until he made her feel alive again, and that forestalled questions for a while.

Later, waking with Wash snoring in her hair, Zoe had a sudden urge to check up on Jayne. She placed this strange worry on the fact that he had been with her when he got shot. If he died, it would be on her conscience.

Dressing quietly in the darkness, she kissed Wash briefly before stepping out the door.

In the infirmary, she walked in on the sudden sight of Simon bent over Jayne’s body. Which wasn’t strange except for the fact that they were whispering. Which of course meant that Jayne was awake, and then kissing, which … well, meant that Wash had the answer to his question.

And if she wasn’t mistaken, one of Simon’s hands had disappeared under the sheet and he wasn’t checking for injuries. Simon turned his head, and Zoe realized that he was catching her reflection in one of the ship windows. He didn’t stop what he was doing, just gave her a small nod which she returned before discreetly slipping out of the door.

4. Wash

Of course he knew as soon as Zoe did.

And of course he was not letting Jayne live it down any time soon.

Subtle pokes, innuendos so obvious it had gotten most everyone on board staring at him like he had a Vera-shaped death wish. But Jayne must have been happier than anything, because he didn’t even pick a fight. Just smiled blankly like he didn’t understand. Now the doctor, Wash knew he understood because he had this little awkward cough he did to hide his blushing whenever Wash mentioned how well Jayne knew his way around a gun, and yes, Simon would know all about that, wouldn’t he?

“I don’t want any gunplay on this ship, hear?” Mal interjected languidly, but his eyes were sharp as they moved between the two men.

“’Course not, Mal.” Jayne stretched his legs in front of him, crossing his feet at the ankle.

Simon nodded and there was that cough-blushy thing again.

“You should stop teasing them,” Zoe nudged Wash’s shoulder with a soft smile.

“Me? Teasing?” Wash assumed an innocent air. “Nah, what Jayne did was teasing, after we first got married, remember? He’d make a dirty joke after every time we kissed?” He grinned, wide and satisfied. “This? This is just payback.”

“Jayne made dirty jokes? I’ve never heard of them.”

“That’s because he was afraid of you.” Wash nodded with a serious face.

A few days later, Wash was whistling, jogging back to the bridge after lunch with Zoe. Before he even stepped into the room he heard the noises.

Grunts, groans, moaning.

And the squeaking of what sounded like his chair.

“Hey, hey! Uh … “ Wash heard the noises pause, but then they resumed in full force and he knew that one of the voices was Jayne’s. “Okay,” He stepped into the room, shaking his head. “Real funny, guys.”

Here was a sight he would rather be shot out of an airlock than see again. Naked Jayne. Wrapped up in a whole lot of naked Simon. Having sex on his chair.

Jayne looked over at Wash and smirked.

Simon coughed and blushed.

5. River

The days when she could feel her brother near her, parked right next to her mind with comforting guidance, were over. Likewise, he was no longer a loop in her system, worry and guilt seeping through the lattice of her nerves into her muscles and blood.

Now he was calm, calm, and his soul seemed to sing like it never had before, even when he was a child and she was a child and everything they had was better than it was now.

He was still her brother but different, different like the starlings which arrived after winter’s snowmelt but not different like her, who went to a hurtful place and never really came back. She decided she liked this new Simon. He still cared for her and ran after her, held her close to his heart, just no longer as a barrier to everything else.

His lover, he came with a mix of outside energy. He was strength and rushing power, all so uncontrolled and beautiful. He made her brother spark with anger, laughter, lust.

She used to dislike her brother’s lover. The energy he brought was too unsettling. It made her whimper and growl like a caged animal. She didn’t like his smell. Like death on dust in a planet far away. But then he started to smell like Simon, sweet Simon away from the antiseptics and blades of the infirmary. Warm Simon, who held her when she ran in rainwater and shivered afterwards. She liked Jayne now, though she still didn’t purr when he was around as she did when she and Simon were alone, for that was private and theirs only, still.

“Jayne, no,” Simon protested quietly, even though his words were sliding with strong alcohol, warm and bright in his blood. He looked up at her bunk. “She’ll hear.”

“She’s asleep.” Jayne glanced up as well. “Y’ know how deeply she sleeps.”

River blinked, because she knew he knew it was not true at all. She was not asleep, but as her brother’s eyes scanned over her bunk again she stilled her movements, curious.

“See?” Jayne kissed Simon. They moaned and tangled together like unspooled thread, sinking to a bottom of a lake so clean it didn’t even glow.

River peeked over the edge of her bunk. Simon’s eyes were closed but Jayne’s weren’t. Neither looked at her because they are too busy together, melting together, blood and sinew and bone. Jayne opened up her brother. With words and fingers and finally his body, moving slow and catching his cries when they fell apart. River watched carefully, because Jayne was doing this for her, showing her that he could take care of her brother and make him broken and whole again, as many times as need be.

+1. Mal

This was his ship. This was his crew. It was his job to know exactly what was going on.

And he did. He saw the way Jayne and Simon looked at each other, the air between them growing heated, volatile. They couldn’t even be in the same room for long before one of them stalked out and the other followed shortly after.

“Those boys need to learn how to stand each other,” he growled to Zoe, after he saw Simon yelling at Jayne in the infirmary. The doc was sewing together his shoulder, which had been slashed open in some bar fight planetside.

“Yes, sir.” Zoe seemed to find it funny for some reason. At least the corners of her lips did as they curled upwards.

Once, Mal had even walked down the hall to see Jayne pinning Simon to the bulkhead. Both men turned with surprised looks as he approached, barking at them to separate.

“Jayne,” Mal said sternly. “Now I know you think you got a problem with the Doc.” He turned to Simon. “But I don’t make it a business to poke my nose into other people’s problems until it becomes an issue. Will this become an issue, boys?”

They both looked away and mumbled something satisfying.

“Good,” Mal smiled, patting Jayne firmly on the shoulder as he walked between the two. “Learn to leave each other well enough alone.”

He told himself to keep a closer eye on them from then on.